How To Make A Goddamn Omelet

You go to a greasy-spoon diner or an obnoxious chain pancake joint or a seedy meth-scented Waffle House, and you order an omelet. Well, OK, you don't order an omelet--you order a giant chocolate-chip pancake with a smiley face drawn in whipped cream, and then you drown it in pink, berry-flavored corn syrup, because you are an overgrown ***ing toddler--but somebody in your party orders an omelet. Somebody always orders an omelet.